Meeting with God: Journal
Apr. 20 2007
In response to Eric’s post on Meeting with God this is the record of my struggle to believe and live truth in my devotional times with God. Believe me, when I started this week I never knew how difficult, or how refreshing, it would be. I don’t share this to tell you to follow my example—because I still struggle in this area too—but I do share it to point you to pursue God. He’s ready and willing to meet you.
Thursday
After my 7:30am class I decide to find a quiet place to spend time with God. I take a chance and drive through a residential area. Perfect. There’s a park that overlooks the city. I can see for miles in any direction.
I feel led to pray through Psalm 37 because lately I’ve been wrestling with what God is calling me to do with my life in a the future. The Psalm is great, helpful, but my time lacking something. I can read words like “the steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way” and I know they’re true. But they don’t feel real no matter how many times I say them. Minutes pass. Finally I realize I’ve been at the park for a half hour already and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything out of the whole time. I still feel like the truth of scripture is stuck on the pages of my Bible.
I know I need to help my unbelieving heart so I do what my friend Drew taught me to do. I turn to Psalm. 119:35-37 “Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.”
I pray.
Still nothing.
I figure I might as well leave…but I decide not to give up so easily. I keep praying that God would help my unbelieving heart. I keep preaching truth about his character to myself. Then almost without realizing it, I stop asking for help to believe God’s Word. Because my heart fills with faith. I have inexplicable joy. I realize that the burden of trying to figure every detail of my future out is one that I’ve placed on myself. It is God that establishes my steps.
Friday
It’s been one of those days. I’m late for class. Then run from class to finish a paper. Then to another class. Then back home to send some important e-mails. Just as I’m about to sit down to have my devotions (by now mid-afternoon) the phone rings. It’s important.
For the rest of the afternoon I’m busy trying to get ready for a meeting at church. Really busy. Somehow I never find time to quiet my heart before God or read my bible, but as I rush from place to place I remember the words of another friend: You can still talk to God throughout the day.
So I talk to God. I ask him for help. I ask him to bless the work I’m trying to do. I ask him to help my printer stop gobbling up pages and spitting them out in crunched wads. And I feel a peace even in the middle of the chaos.
Saturday
Most days I use D. A. Carson’s devotional For the Love of God and today I’m reading John 21. I can’t help being emotional reading verses 15-19 watching Jesus reinstate Peter. Again and again the Lord asks if Peter loves him, then tells Peter to feed his sheep. Jesus tells Peter the kind of death he will die and then says two extraordinary words: “Follow me.”
I’m sure Peter couldn’t help remembering when he first met Jesus and hearing that same, simple command. Since then Peter’s life had been turned upside down. Following Christ had cost him much, and was going to cost him more. I think often I can read this and just think “how nice,” but today the words are real to me. What does it really mean for me to obey the words of Jesus: “Follow me”?
Sunday
Right now I’m clinging to a verse our pastor shared in church today. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
A girl in my church was just seriously injured and it’s weighing heavily on my mind. I start to wonder how I’m supposed to respond to serious trials in my life. I never knew that a verse like “be still and know that I am God” would be such a struggle to follow.
Today I don’t do a lot of reading or use any commentaries. Instead, I spend most of my time with God in prayer.
Monday
Today’s devotional leads me to meditate on Psalms 1-4. (Funny, much of the encouragement God has given me this week has been through the Psalms) But it’s hard to sit and concentrate.
I’m so frustrated that my emotions are up one minute and down the next. I feel like the “like chaff that the wind drives away” (Ps 1:4). I don’t want to be that.
Psalm 1 gives a very different picture of those who meditate on God:
“He is like a tree
Planted by streams of water
That yields its fruit in season
And its leaf does not wither.” Ps 1:3
God faithfully calms my heart and reminds me that he is my “shield …and the lifter of my head” (Ps 2:2). In him I can rest. No matter what the future holds I have a refuge.
“In peace I will both lie down and sleep
For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Ps 4:8
Tuesday
Today in my devotional D.A. Carson is discussing Leviticus 6. I have to try not to roll my eyes as Carson differentiates between unintentional and intentional sin. Does this really even matter to what’s going on in my life? It just seems so distant. I feel like I’d be better off not reading today.
But thankfully, God does not leave me in my arrogance. As I meditate on the passage I see two things: First, that God is a God of order. He is deeply concerned with every single detail of our lives. Second, that my sin is always primarily against God. Even when the Israelites sinned against a neighbor they had to make restitution to God. I’m reminded that my sin is no small thing and that it requires a sacrifice. Praise God that the final sacrifice has been made.
Wednesday
If I had spent five minutes on my devotions today it would have gone very differently. I’d have seen that in Psalm 7 David feels betrayed and is in anguish. Great. Sorry you were betrayed thousands of years ago David. Can we move on?
Yet as I meditate on the verses God leads me to consider the trials in my own life (small though they are). No one is pursuing me like a lion, but at times I feel that the world is crashing down around me. When that happens where do I put my trust? What do I hold on to when I don’t feel like believing truth?
David says at the end of the Psalm: “I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness/ and I will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High” (vs 17). How could that possibly answer my questions?
Carson writes: David’s conviction is grounded neither in some impersonal force…nor in some Pollyana-like optimism…but in the righteousness of God. David is not blind to the injustices of the world, but he lives in a theistic universe where right will finally prevail because God is just.
My feelings change daily. But God’s righteous character does not. So daily I need to preach truth to myself. Daily I need to soak my mind in God’s word. Daily I need to meet with God.
If you’re looking for good resources for your time with God, here are a few recommendations:
For the Love of God by D.A. Carson
Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald Whitney
Knowing Scripture by R.C. Sproul
Morning and Evening by C.H. Spurgeon